Stop being so responsible. You make me look bad.

This could very well be the crappiest day of the year. It all depends on my performance with this stupid project. I hate working in groups, depending on others and ESPECIALLY having them depend on me. Stop depending on me. Assume I’m irresponsible and retarded – which I am – and assume I have no idea what I’m doing with this project. Only then will you not turn out disappointed that I didn’t do my half of the deal correctly.

Today is gonna be one of those days when it could be okay or really, really bad. I’m supposed to be meeting up with the two girls in my group to “finish up” the project. The problem is that I”m bringing the most important materials, and since I’m not into this art thing, I have no idea what I’m supposed to be getting. I have some idea, but for this, I have to know EXACTLY. I’m scared. I know they can only do so much. They can’t hit me, lol. But I’m afraid of the embarrassment of having them do most of the work and then showing up with almost nothing of valuable work. They’re gonna be like, “What have you been doing all this time?”

The best answer I could probably think of would be, “Avoiding YOU.” (Geez!)

Recent Poetry.

Writing must be in my bones and blood because I feel so guilty and detached every time I don’t. I haven’t written a poem in…well, you wouldn’t believe me if I told you. But the truth is that I can’t tell you because I forgot. I have thought of poetry in my head but I’ve gotten very lazy about writing it down. This one, I think, I wrote the day before yesterday. It needs editing and fixing, but since it hasn’t been edited OR fixed, I call it organic material. From me, to you. Enjoy whatever there is of it to enjoy, please! Oh and by the way, the title is I Keep Loving you, but I’d rather keep it untitled cause I don’t like the title. I’ll think of something.

It is not by choice that I am drifting,
and turning into a bit of fog that runs
away every time you think you catch it.

If you are afraid of what you cannot give
to me in return for the fire I light in your eyes,
then pour any little bit of love you have
into a prayer.

And let the prayer arrange our love.
I may seem like a haze of nothing to you now,
but remind yourself always that love has never
had anything to do with distance.

Dating sites aren’t cool.

There is a site, it’s called, www.Okcupid.com that has lots of fun tests (not as fun as the ones on Blogthings though!) but it is also a dating/social networking site. It’s very creepy. I’ve been getting messages from guys that are 25+ on there that are very straight forward and they’re like, “Before we hang out, I wanna know…”. And I’m thinking, “Who said anything about hanging out? Who said anything about me even LOOKING for someone? Especially someone 12 years older than me?”

It’s weird. I mean, yeah, blame me for signing up. But I thought it was only about quizzes. When I realized it wasn’t like that, I wasn’t too freaked out cause tickle.com was also a dating site that had quizzes and I never got a creepy message like that. I don’t know…strange, isn’t it?

And it’s almost as if they don’t even read on the little details thing below my face that I am 18. It says 18/F/single. Yes, it means legal, but it also means…ugh. I don’t know what it means. I see why I’m getting messages now. Well, I still blame them – most 18 year old girls don’t feel comfortable about dating a 28 year old guy. Geez. I should change my status for “not looking, never will look, shut up.”

Sigh…but I humor them. I answer their stupid questions, like, “Do you like to ride beach cruisers?” Sometimes I realize that’s why those people are on dating sites. They’re looking for all the wrong things. Doesn’t it matter more if they’re loyal, intelligent, attentive? They ask insignificant things. And if you answer one question wrong (God forbid!!) – BAM! – they stop replying to your messages. Funny world. It doesn’t require you to put much effort in the person you want as your one and only companion. Except, most of those guys probably are for polygamy, so, never mind.

The girl you kissed…

You kiss me and you think the harmony it brings me is enough. But what about the aftermath of the kiss? What about the mass of feelings I get when I go back and remember that I’m not really yours. That it is just for a moment when you come unannounced. That you’re only a ghost that will leave and go back. To wherever you came from. And that place isn’t with me.

I know now it is too late. Even if my desire to ask you to come to your senses and pick me back up was greater than it is, I can’t tell you anymore. Because you have been out of my life and I don’t know how to squeeze myself back in. Why did I let this much time go by? I thought it was right. And now it’s too late, both ways. Too hard to go back, too painful to move forward. So what do you expect me to find in my future? I’m full of questions. Are you? It’s a stabbing pain when I think at night of how you are everything good without me. And that you’ll be okay. I pray for your happiness but still ask whoever is up there in the sky, why can’t that happiness be with me?

Look at the things you make me write. Look at the way you make me cry. Do you think I want to feel unhappy? No. Not one inch of me wants to cry every night and miss your presence, your advice, and your talking. Not one tiny little part of me wants to wonder what you’re doing, with who, and how. And not one last minute wants to be spent alone. And I want things to look up. I want school to be done with so I can go on to do what I realized I want to do with the rest of my life. I want my family to be happy and healthy. I want to have the friends I’m building up to have. I want all that. But I’m not having it because the fact that I’m still mourning over you has every wilting effect on me it can possibly have. I don’t energy, motivation, or desire to do any of those things. The progress is what I’m dreaming of, but I’m not getting any of it.

Come by sometime soon. Remember that I still exist. Make a little room in your life. I was that girl you kissed.

Decisions?

How easy it is to forget about things when you’re busy. I have forgotten about my writing, about my meetings. Can you believe that last night I didn’t even realize that it was Wednesday and the thought that the meeting would be that night didn’t even cross my mind? I felt guilty afterward, but I guess all I can do is try harder.

With school stuff taking over, I hardly write anymore. Right before I fall asleep I have words all over my head. And I recite phrases that are really unlike me to think or feel. It’s weird. It’s like when I’m about to go to sleep or when I’m in the shower, or cooking or doing random stuff, I have the most inspiration of all. Maybe not inspiration. Maybe it’s just talent. I’d like to think so.

Anyway, I plan on writing much more from now on. But sometimes my hand is afraid to touch a paper. I’m afraid of knowing my thoughts are sad again, that deep inside, I’m not ready to face what I am old enough to face now.

I was telling a friend the other night that I am afraid of how I’ll end up. That I might get a crappy career that I’m not happy with. That I’ll marry the first guy that comes along and treats me right – just to make my parents unworried about me, just to check another thing on the list of my senseless illusions. I don’t want to live my life on auto-pilot anymore, you know? I want to know what I’m loving and put all the passion I can into it. I want to do better and wish well for others. I think I’m not doing so bad in trying, but for some reason, I’m just not succeeding.

I want to move away, far away…I want to go to a place where I can be me all over again. But then I remember one of my favorite but most true lyrics…”every step that you take could be your biggest mistake; it could bend or it could break, but that’s the risk that you take”. All I wonder is, should I let that truth cripple me while I try to make decisions, or should it make me strong? I think it’s telling me to be strong. I think it’s saying that no matter what you do, it’s all hanging on a piece of thin wire, and your life could change for the worse or the better….so I might as well do what I want the most and see which way that takes me.

Pain of death

 I’ve been away from myself and from here for a while. 

Honestly I don’t know what I’m doing either in real life or the online world. I’ve been ignoring the absence of every good thing I’ve had and started embracing the life I should be participating in. I am thankful that I have things to do – like school, and just my family in general, to attend to. I wasn’t planning on writing tonight because nothing eventful enough has happened. The same old days with the same old words. (The only different thing that has happened is that I got a haircut! I like it!) The reason I decided to write is because I wanted to note something for the appreciation and reflection of others and myself. What I am going to say is sad, but I don’t want anyone to interpret it the sad way. I want it to be something that helps you live your life better day by day, appreciating the people who take part in it, and especially yourself, because we should all be thankful to alive. If we’re alive, at least there’s hope to have something better…

Well, this is why I’m speaking about this. My dad had a very close friend, one whom he had been friends with since he was probably my age. Maybe younger. My dad is in his late forties. That friendship, I’m sure, was strong. There’s a certainty in that which I haven’t heard from him, but that I know from the span of years and the anger in my dad when he found out he died last night. My dad found out this afternoon, but his friend was actually dead yesterday. He had become a family friend, one whom I met, my siblings, and my  mom. He had been battling cancer for the longest, and I heard from my parents, mostly from my mom who went to see him at the hospital, that he was in excruciating pain. After a while it became a matter of months. The doctors said there were 3 months left. Then 2. Then no one really knew for sure…we started asking about him, and everyone said he was still there. But no longer living, just laying. His heart was beating, but that was about it. Until last night, when he finally couldn’t anymore. 
I didn’t know the man well, but I knew a few things. From the few times that I had the chance to talk with him, he was a lively man. A happy one. It’s not to sound cliche, I am not honoring something that wasn’t there. It’s true. He joked around with my mom, he was a big talker. Sometimes he came over to visit and even if he had to leave, he’d stand at the door talking for another hour, pretending to leave but never doing so, because he was such a social butterfly. I knew his wife. She was so sweet. She was a little quieter, but friendly and welcoming nonetheless. She never made you feel left out. It horrified me to hear that he finally died; because I knew it hurt my dad a lot, and because of his family. He had kids, a girl a little older than me, and I think one or two boys younger than me. And his wife, of course. No matter how many warnings you get of a life that is going to be lost, if you love that life, no warning is enough. No warning shields you from the pain that comes at the moment that the person shares their last breath.

I thought about all this today. And I thought, wow, I could be much more passionate about the things I do. That man had every tumor and cancer and problem you could have. But he still had more energy than me to laugh and to see the bright side. He would have traded to be me any day. And that’s very sad. Because I used to think I wanted to die and be out of this world to end my sadness. I won’t lie, I am still a sad person sometimes. But I can’t say I want to die anymore. The pain I see all around me is something I would never put upon my family purposely. It’s not fair. 

Certainly, this isn’t to guilt trip anyone. No. Even I know that I will keep going with my life because so many people die every single day, although I wish that wasn’t real. I know this won’t change much. I am kind of sad now but in a while, when it has been months or a year, this will be a very faded memory and I know I will keep whining about the same things and crying over the same disappointments. I know it. But to appreciate what we’ve got is a good thing. And I hope to everything that is worth hoping to, that I never forget what a life is worth. What my life is worth, and how well I can start to live it.

Letters I have written to him.

Yesterday I was in my interior design class and I brought along with me the wrong notebook. When I looked inside, I was surprised to see a lot of pages that were scribbled on with my messy cursive, and when I searched closer, a tear formed in my eye. It wasn’t the right time or place to confront the letters I had written to him. They were never sent, but they were from my heart, and I’m sure he knows exactly how I feel. Here they are.

August 24th, 2009. 12:59 AM.

I know this isn’t the fanciest notebook, but I realized that I don’t need special paper to write to you, because what I feel toward you is special enough. I wandered aimlessly on my computer for hours, in hopes of finding something that might distract me from missing you. In the end, I just gave up and asked on Yahoo Answers what is good to do when you miss someone. I searched for the question, actually, someone else had already asked. Someone said to write a letter to that person. I realized how long it’s been since I wrote you a handwritten letter, so I decided to do so. You’d think I’d be sleepy at this time but I’m really not. The knot in the back of my throat hurts too much. I think I am going to make this the notebook in which I write you any future letters. It only comes with 70 sheets but I’m sure that’s okay. I have tons of notebooks now, and I hope I don’t need them ALL for school. Anyway, today, I didn’t go to the meeting. I put more effort in convincing my sister to go than I thought I would, but we still weren’t able to. That’s another thing I wanted to tell you…I am sorry for disappointing you by not going. I never thought I’d feel this way. I thought attending school would distract me a bit more, but it’s just not doing the trick. Nights have felt longer. Before I was able to rest peacefully because I knew some day, my nights would be spent with you. Now things are different. I feel lonely in the present and also in my future. Suddenly the pain just becomes extreme when I realize I’ll have to be away from you for good some day. As optimist and as hopeful as I try to be, I can’t lately. Good thoughts have became locked out of my mind, and I feel paranoid without your reassurances. This all comes from the roots of my heart. If you were to ever read this, you’d probably not understand the loss I’m feeling, which is why I kind of hope you never lay eyes on this notebook. Because I have school tomorrow, I have to attempt frightful sleep again. I hope you have sweet dreams, my jelly bean…take care of yourself for me. I will be keeping my heart in these letters, I will not be too far from you. Nothing’s making any sense at all, except for the face that I love you.

Your…I don’t know what anymore – your support and your caring friend, the one who will always look out for you,

Brenda

August 25th, 2009

I began reading again, thanks to my sister who checked out the book with her own library card. The books is very sad all throughout, I know because I have already read it. I don’t know how I will get to school tomorrow if my brother gets a job. Hopefully I won’t have to take the bus. The way things are going, taking the bus will probably make me an even grouchier individual. Just so you know, I think about you all the time. Your name is written all over the things I do, and my dreams to be with you haven’t changed at all. But every single day, the truth becomes clearer to me. I can finally believe and accept that I can’t be the one to make you as happy as you can be. If my days could be spent doing nothing but thinking of you, I’d do it, but I can’t. I have things to do no matter how sad I may feel inside. I miss you so much. Every day seems to hold all the hope in the world that I may stop missing you so much. But that’s very unrealistic – I should know well by now that the pain won’t disappear in only a few months. I feel so weightless, maybe that’s because you aren’t in my heart. A heart without the person you grew to love is nearly nothing. As you can probably tell, I don’t care about anything these days. On some days I get the idea that I am useless. Without you I can’t think clearly.I can’t have any talent or hobby…so why would the world need me this way? I might as well be dead. I am crying now because I remember your eyes when I told you I never lost hope that we could make things work, your eyes seemed to want to believe me. When I kissed your cheek, you looked teary and that expression on your face always saddens me. I am going to try to sleep now. I hope you can rest well yourself. Love you…

Some things I wrote a few months ago on this notebook remain true. But other things have changed. I know I have to keep going. And I tell myself I will be okay. But it all comes back to him. I am trying to be okay because I know he’d want me to be.

A Clean Room is a Sign of Broken Computer

Sadly, that can be said for me. Not the clean room, of course. But yes, my computer is out of wack right now. I am on my sister’s computer! That’s why I’ve been gone for so long. I have not forgotten about any of my fellow writers, in fact, I’ve only come to miss you guys more. This is just an update – there is something else I want to post, and that will be posted in a few minutes, so keep looking…

Some days are better than others.

I’ve stayed away for a long time, but not purposely. Time since the last post I made seems to have gone so fast. Week after week happens and I never even notice where the time has gone. There are so many things I should be doing, and it seems that after my absence I would’ve completed a lot of tasks, but I really haven’t.

I’m exhausted of nothing – but exhausted nonetheless, so I am not going to make this one too long. I have school tonight and I feel I won’t be able to stay awake for that without a nap first. Today is one of those days where I don’t feel too good all around – I don’t feel very pretty, don’t feel very energetic. I just want to sleep!! If I sleep all the world conflicts will be resolved and everything will be better, haha.
Ok, well, until next time, bye!

Things I’ll Never Say

Forgive my crying and venting. I had my “wish” come true, the one I had expressed to you guys already, of him contacting me. He sent me a meaningless email and…eventually I told him that if he was free today he could drop by. That is when he ended up telling me that he was going on a trip for a while and that he’d like to postpone visiting me, because he really wants to. It’s selfish of me to not want him to go away – so I had fit, I guess. But in the end, I hope someone can relate to what I’m feeling. I felt more alone than ever, unimportant, and forgotten.Click on “original video” to watch the vlog I made.

EDIT: I have taken out the video because it’s old…and because it wasn’t a good reminder of how I felt at that moment. I can remember that day perfectly and I don’t need a video to relive it, but it was okay in its time.